intimidated all the way....

So I am this kind of person who gets intimidated by almost anything and everything....like the last thing that intimidated me was jackfruit! No. I aint kidding. This is serious stuff you know. This calls for more than a shrink. But anyways,

So I was in school...I call it the big shot school. The place where all the kids from my little NRI community went.
I would have liked to think we lived in a Malory towers sort of theme with ballerina shoes and an accent, mid night parties and a yummy poooool! But no. This wasnt one of them. It was this building with kids who either belonged to the 'cooool' clique or the 'totally vanishing species- like you dont even see them if they are right in front of you' clique or if you are the lucky few, you could belong to the 'i am original and I dont know the others are doing with themselves' clique. Aaah! well....that was my school. It was this building, several blocks actually. A huge play ground in the middle, basketball courts splashed in between and school children, lots of them and you HAD to belong! Maybe my insecurities stemmed out of this theme they played in school. Maybe because I always wanted to look good and be popular but somehow felt like I was the inconsolable unanimously voted for president of the glee club, the other pseudonym for the second clique I mentioned. Can you imagine?

My life for twelve long years was THIS. My problems started out with the frizzy hair that I once had. ( typical malayalee types). My mother on the other hand looked very punjabi with glossy hair and light brown eyes and how? Oh! dear God! Did you hate me so much??!? - that I ened up with frizzy hair in big school?

So I tried many a time cutting it thinking a fringe ( bangs if you want) would solve this issue and transform me. But like all those other missions of mine at transformations, this one was one I always repeated and the one that without fail made me the president over and over again. I mean...who invented the fringe?? My mother would ask the hair cutter to not let them fall over my eyes so she would keep cutting them off till they could barely reach my hair line! AAaargh! Of all that went on in my life- I vote this the worst!
Anyways enough of hirsute jargon! You get the picture right?

Then there was the issue of the school pinafore. The length. It hurt me to see my hirsute legs being covered with that blue checkered cloth! Really! And I do remember trying my hand at the rasor when I was 14 and getting hugely reprimanded by my mom who felt I was way to young to be shaving, and she had warned me -'that is the beginning of all the troubles you can get'. So I refrained.

So here was me- quite thin, frizzy hair, bangs that clenched my hair line (which thankfully hadn't started receding), looooong pinafore checks and all, long socks which met my pinafore half way up the legs and all in all a look that made me call myself N-U-N. What was the chance that I stood with all those gorgeous boys, those adorable ones that you wished would at least come up and say a hello to you, if not a kiss??
So like the rest of my clan, I stood and watched while the cute boys dated the cute girls, who by the way had hair that was silky and bouncy, legs waxed, and glowing like butter under the moonlight. All of those years, I wished and waited for that one boy who would whisk me away, whisper in my ear and make me laugh.

Then there were the parties. A big No No at my age. Boys and girls went to those parties, danced to music, danced in groups, lights out, some kissed, some held hands, some like me just stood (if I ever got invited i.e)
and watched it all. Sad life uh? True.

Now where were we again? Yes. Intimidation. Thinking back , maybe the life then at school, brought out all these insecurities in me. I kept thinking- Am I not good enough? Will I look like this all my life? Why can't I be a natural at being cool? Why isn't it that not one guy has so far walked up to me and said he's got a crush on me? And when that one guy did finally walk upto me and said hes got the hots for me, why then? was he embarrased to introduce me to his friends? Why did he go for all those parties alone? Why even after high school, when we met again, and this time around, 5 years later was he still not introducing US??
why why why????

So now, when I see a girl wearing a pair of too cool jeans, wearing a corset, holding a teeny classy bag, her hair like she just shot for cosmo, her face- picture perfect, the all-fragile-girl, like the one who also happens to have 10 other girl friends who all look like her- I run. I run for my dear life coz I am intimidated. I am scared, I feel that its the end of me and girls like me. We stand no chance. No chance at all. We as the famous line goes, are going to die alone, eaten by alsations!

There could be a ghost living with me!

Of all the people who wanted to share my flat with me- it turned about to be one without much of an existence.
So now for the next three weeks that is starting from 21 st december 2007 to 10th jan, 2008 20 days to be precise I shall be sharing my accomodation with one such as a ghost. yipeeee! for the ghost. Hopefully with having too much of me around he/ she shall flee soon:o)
Anyways, thats all besides the point. I actually started blog writing a couple of months ago. That was when I was someone's wife. Married and quite not happy. So I totally needed this space to be myself and start making some sense of at least my career and started making out with the computer- sort of to validate my life, if I can call it that!
But of course one post up and I felt that I was all validated and stopped writing- mainly as I failed to conjure up any more feelings about my profession and mostly as I discovered the pleasure of watching desperate housewives online. And I felt so Breeee the whole time that for the next 1 and a half months I baked in my head and imagined all these 'family dinners' with invisible non obedient children and a dissenting husband. Ah! well.... ! at least I put my imagination to good use if not anything else!

To almost discover or finally open up to the fact that I may never have those butterfly flutters in my tummy, to never go out for that much awaited dinner at Rossa and come back to for some awesome sex ( if at all! ), to curl up in bed with H and speak under my breath and all that! was more a numbing feeling than a shock. I decided at odd hours to live with it. To suffer silently and hope that I have children so that maybe I could be an over bearing mother and focus all my energy on bringing them up- all this just so that I don't remember all too easily of my life without the afore mentioned!

So here goes- a few points to be emphasised before I write stuff.
1.I don't want to be the next best thing around, I want to be completely out there and be original.
2. I must ( MUST ) stop getting influenced by the books and blogs I read...and just tend to my own.
3. I don't want to churn out my deep secrets, at least not yet- not until my divorce is through...but Oh! how I wish I could write about it all ( especiall when my blog is called THAT!) Hah!
4. I want to tell you all about me so much so that maybe you readers ( if any?) could possibly tell what went wrong, and why...why? am I still at the age of 26 feeling so bloody confused about every single thing in my life..
5. Um...well can't really think of anything more to emphasis...maybe If I do come with something more I shall update.

So where were we? ah! yes- the bored housewife with a wild imagination. So while I was amidst all that silence in my life, I (yes! I did!! why is it o difficult for me to belive that still!?!)got accepted in for a masters program at a nearby University and thats when I thought that maybe, just maybe I could be all this NRI wifey, with a double degree, in black and white suite, high heels, hair highlighted, knowing exactly what she wants plus more! - a complete refreshing addition to the every day changing 'look' of the stereo typical Indian women!! but alas! that wasn't how it turned out to be.
No it didnt.

It just meant more fights with him...it just meant having to realize how much happier he was when I spent most of the time at the university and it just meant zero sex! ( but then, by then it had meandered down to minus degrees).

So however thy life is, one must go on and on..right? Right.
I shall stop here. I want to consider what I wrote. Should I not give a damn and write it all? Should I??
Or should I simply flit through and tell you about my days when I was all of sixteen and full of drama? Bah! maybe not- not ONE of those!!!
Its time to wind up for today. Glancing back I havent written anything substantial- what the heck! its a start right? Right.