Much to do much to do including smother certain people while trying to finish my thesis work. I have been trying to achieve success by being single for as much as I can. While watching a certain series I encountered questions such as:
a. do you want a man?
b. do you need a man?
Thing is for quite some time now I haven't had a man (I am talking 1 year minus a few distractions and a few straying crushes). Waking up in the morning, brewing my coffee, walking up to school, grabbing my second cuppa, switching on my laptop, designing, sketching, running through the books, stealing a few drags in the balcony, lunch with the boys, lunch with the girls, shopping, caring for friends, cooking butter chicken, cleaning my kitchen, buying soap.....all this and more without actually finding the need for a man. But still I wonder am I completely happy being on my own? or am in living in denial?
Who knows.
This came at about the time when I had a random chat with my grandmother who since she has turned old and is currently living alone decided to spice up her life by taking my star chart and horoscope leftovers to the astrologer. This man in question then told her as a matter of fact that I would indeed never find a man until I do. It is all upto me. She tells me this with good humour, complete confidence that she doesn't doubt my capabilities in doing so and with complete candor that it woke me up. Shoot.
Now I have to find a man? It was easy when your parents did that for you. You could blame them for the rest of your life. But in this case we gotto do the dirty work all on our own?
Not good. It seems to me that there is nothing much I can do about it anymore. The good guys don't wanna marry you. The bad guys don't wanna marry you or anybody else. The good guys can sleep with you. The bad guys can sleep with you. Guys in general can sleep with you. And with all this retardness flying about and all the temptations, you have to let them down, find excuses and wonder at whats going on.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
She's decided to go for a Long Walk......
Have you ever heard of the pathway between the rubber trees that lead to a little round pond in Vattakaanam? You pass by trees, mostly rubber, the gooey white stuff trickling down spirally through their barks. The air there is very mossy and moist. As you walk through the little path, pitched with stones and brown earth, greens tufts of
grass and little slippery frogs hopping around, you tend to forget your language. When you stand there in that 100 metre long space having a width of a mere 2 metres you feel a devilish joy that you cannot get in any city on this planet. The joy that makes you want to cry because right there you feel you do not need your cell phone, that you've died and gone to your private mansion, and all the connection with people and buildings and cement and motor ways and machines is lost for ever. You should also remove your shoes. Throw them away. If you are a woman or a man with long hair, let it loose. While you stand there, it will grow longer and longer. Try wearing some kind of a loose clothing while you walk through. The breeze has a way of penetrating your skin through the cotton sheets. All you have to do while you walk is breathe in and breathe out. The rest will be taken care of.
This is the place when I was a little kid and I was rambling along with some cousins of mine that I got lost. I was afraid for my life there then for I knew wild snakes roamed around looking for little girls for supper. So I was scared. I cried but I couldn't scream because of fear that something bad would happen to me if I declared it.
So I walked as slowly and carefully as my ten year old body could carry me. And that is when I met her.
She was most beautiful She had brown skin with a big black circular mark on her cheek. Her jet black hair, shining from oil glossed over was cascading down sticking against her back. She was voluptuous. She had breasts I hoped to achieve one day. She was dressed in a strange white and red cotton sari like outfit. Her calves were showing exposing thick legs covered with thick black hair. But her arms were bare. Free of hair.
She was moving slowly. I could see her from a distance she was walking towards me. Suddenly she stopped and smiled at me. Her eyes just like those of a doe looked deep into me, narrowed a bit and her lips curled into a smile. She looked at me as though she finally found me. She walked closer to me. I just stood there. In awe of her beauty and her smile and her eyes. She stretched out her hand towards me. I kept mine in hers. She then turned around and walked leading me with her soft hands. I was still looking at her and smiled when she would turn around and smile at me.
I was in her world now. My heart beating faster. There was then the sound of water. Do you know the sound that still water makes? It's a strange sound. But it lets you know its presence. That's when the air becomes less moist for some illogical reason as though its paying it respect to the water body.
I heard the cooing of birds. I heard the laughter of children. the sunshine blinded me. She had brought me to a clearing where there was a round pond. A little wooden house stood at the far east corner of it. My cousins were playing right across.
They couldn't see me. I looked up at her. She knelt down in front of me, took both my hands and looked into my eyes. The smile that she often threw at me that day returned. The smile went into her eyes.
I realized that the noise of the children was getting more distant, into whispers. I looked around to see my cousins moving further away. The fear in me returned. What if I got lost again? I shook away my hands from hers and ran towards my sisters and brothers shouting out my presence. They stopped and turned around and nodded. I was about to run towards them again but then I turned my head back to tell her that I needed to go now.
I only saw her back walking away from me.Moving away gracefully though fast. My cousins were walking away too. I stood there for a while. The fear in me suddenly left me. I went to the little pond and sat down by its banks.
Today the property that houses a lovely old house built in stages with its wooden decks, the acres of rubber thotam, the gurgling brooks, the screaming bootleggers, the wild snakes that take shelter under your couch are all still there, uncared for, waiting for someone. The bed of roses too where my mother, my great grandmother and my grandparents have been buried awaits......
grass and little slippery frogs hopping around, you tend to forget your language. When you stand there in that 100 metre long space having a width of a mere 2 metres you feel a devilish joy that you cannot get in any city on this planet. The joy that makes you want to cry because right there you feel you do not need your cell phone, that you've died and gone to your private mansion, and all the connection with people and buildings and cement and motor ways and machines is lost for ever. You should also remove your shoes. Throw them away. If you are a woman or a man with long hair, let it loose. While you stand there, it will grow longer and longer. Try wearing some kind of a loose clothing while you walk through. The breeze has a way of penetrating your skin through the cotton sheets. All you have to do while you walk is breathe in and breathe out. The rest will be taken care of.
This is the place when I was a little kid and I was rambling along with some cousins of mine that I got lost. I was afraid for my life there then for I knew wild snakes roamed around looking for little girls for supper. So I was scared. I cried but I couldn't scream because of fear that something bad would happen to me if I declared it.
So I walked as slowly and carefully as my ten year old body could carry me. And that is when I met her.
She was most beautiful She had brown skin with a big black circular mark on her cheek. Her jet black hair, shining from oil glossed over was cascading down sticking against her back. She was voluptuous. She had breasts I hoped to achieve one day. She was dressed in a strange white and red cotton sari like outfit. Her calves were showing exposing thick legs covered with thick black hair. But her arms were bare. Free of hair.
She was moving slowly. I could see her from a distance she was walking towards me. Suddenly she stopped and smiled at me. Her eyes just like those of a doe looked deep into me, narrowed a bit and her lips curled into a smile. She looked at me as though she finally found me. She walked closer to me. I just stood there. In awe of her beauty and her smile and her eyes. She stretched out her hand towards me. I kept mine in hers. She then turned around and walked leading me with her soft hands. I was still looking at her and smiled when she would turn around and smile at me.
I was in her world now. My heart beating faster. There was then the sound of water. Do you know the sound that still water makes? It's a strange sound. But it lets you know its presence. That's when the air becomes less moist for some illogical reason as though its paying it respect to the water body.
I heard the cooing of birds. I heard the laughter of children. the sunshine blinded me. She had brought me to a clearing where there was a round pond. A little wooden house stood at the far east corner of it. My cousins were playing right across.
They couldn't see me. I looked up at her. She knelt down in front of me, took both my hands and looked into my eyes. The smile that she often threw at me that day returned. The smile went into her eyes.
I realized that the noise of the children was getting more distant, into whispers. I looked around to see my cousins moving further away. The fear in me returned. What if I got lost again? I shook away my hands from hers and ran towards my sisters and brothers shouting out my presence. They stopped and turned around and nodded. I was about to run towards them again but then I turned my head back to tell her that I needed to go now.
I only saw her back walking away from me.Moving away gracefully though fast. My cousins were walking away too. I stood there for a while. The fear in me suddenly left me. I went to the little pond and sat down by its banks.
Today the property that houses a lovely old house built in stages with its wooden decks, the acres of rubber thotam, the gurgling brooks, the screaming bootleggers, the wild snakes that take shelter under your couch are all still there, uncared for, waiting for someone. The bed of roses too where my mother, my great grandmother and my grandparents have been buried awaits......
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Winding up 2008 and the rest behind....
It's been a great year for me. I have had that much fun that I knew I should have had before. I did things that I never thought I would do in this life. I behaved in ways so much that it was unexpected from me. I travelled to places following my heart. I didn't care about sleeping in airports, I ate what was given to me without complaining, I grew to the idea that I am growing.
Its been a thoroughly exhausting journey since then to now. But the exhaustion was worth it. For now, I can smile with my eyes and I can sit at my computer and work day in and day out.
If I were to highlight the most effective parts of 2008 it would be these, some small, mostly irrelevent in general but these I remember:
1. I have more girlfriends this year and we actually bond.
2. All these years when I thought I couldn't cook..? Guess what! I can.
3. I love collecting postcards and not sending them to anyone. Since august I have managed to collect quite a handful of them.
4. My fear of airports is gone.
5. I am becoming like Sarada, my Grandmom- a neat freak. I was happy to be excluded from that particular gene in my family but I guess there ain't escape.
6. I truly believe now more than ever that what goes around comes around.
7. My belief in miracles have strengthened.
8. Fairy tales do happen. Recently I had a prince who walked up to me and asked me my name. I didn't give it to him.
9. My blog received it's first serious negative criticism.
10. I love being on my own.
11. I managed to finally get my hands on The Pianist.
12. I stood in the Anne Frank House . I stood there and cried.
13. I bought my first Nikon D60 camera.
14. I have learnt to be self indulgent.
15. I have also learnt to be kind.
16. The fighter in me doesn't go away that easily.
17. I realized that all people are not good. There are some who may not give you space to walk out when you are choking to death in a crowd, simply because they want to see the fireworks at 00.00.
18. I made my first lasagne.
19. I realized how much I miss being at home with my family and frying fish for my dad.
20. I think this year more than ever, I have been a good daughter.
21. This year however I did not go to Mookambi and recite the saharanaamam. I hope to do that next year though.
22. I have partied enough and it's been lovely and exhausting.
23. I managed to buy some nice dresses and shoes.
24. I managed to donate money for causes.
25. I have helped people and didn't expect anything in return.
There's more but I think this should suffice for now. I think I'll start voicing my opinions on some other matters this year rather than being this self indulgent. The indulgence was necessary for me. But I think, it's done its job although not upto where I hoped it would. But, we can talk about other stuff from now on. Hopefully 2009 brings us more to write about and discuss in the blogoshpere.
Thank you all for visiting my blog. Thank you for all your comments. Thank you for reading in.
I'll start posting again in a few days. Till then.
Its been a thoroughly exhausting journey since then to now. But the exhaustion was worth it. For now, I can smile with my eyes and I can sit at my computer and work day in and day out.
If I were to highlight the most effective parts of 2008 it would be these, some small, mostly irrelevent in general but these I remember:
1. I have more girlfriends this year and we actually bond.
2. All these years when I thought I couldn't cook..? Guess what! I can.
3. I love collecting postcards and not sending them to anyone. Since august I have managed to collect quite a handful of them.
4. My fear of airports is gone.
5. I am becoming like Sarada, my Grandmom- a neat freak. I was happy to be excluded from that particular gene in my family but I guess there ain't escape.
6. I truly believe now more than ever that what goes around comes around.
7. My belief in miracles have strengthened.
8. Fairy tales do happen. Recently I had a prince who walked up to me and asked me my name. I didn't give it to him.
9. My blog received it's first serious negative criticism.
10. I love being on my own.
11. I managed to finally get my hands on The Pianist.
12. I stood in the Anne Frank House . I stood there and cried.
13. I bought my first Nikon D60 camera.
14. I have learnt to be self indulgent.
15. I have also learnt to be kind.
16. The fighter in me doesn't go away that easily.
17. I realized that all people are not good. There are some who may not give you space to walk out when you are choking to death in a crowd, simply because they want to see the fireworks at 00.00.
18. I made my first lasagne.
19. I realized how much I miss being at home with my family and frying fish for my dad.
20. I think this year more than ever, I have been a good daughter.
21. This year however I did not go to Mookambi and recite the saharanaamam. I hope to do that next year though.
22. I have partied enough and it's been lovely and exhausting.
23. I managed to buy some nice dresses and shoes.
24. I managed to donate money for causes.
25. I have helped people and didn't expect anything in return.
There's more but I think this should suffice for now. I think I'll start voicing my opinions on some other matters this year rather than being this self indulgent. The indulgence was necessary for me. But I think, it's done its job although not upto where I hoped it would. But, we can talk about other stuff from now on. Hopefully 2009 brings us more to write about and discuss in the blogoshpere.
Thank you all for visiting my blog. Thank you for all your comments. Thank you for reading in.
I'll start posting again in a few days. Till then.
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