What goes around.

Whats the worst feeling in the world?


I'll start with a to- the- point- story here.
For the past ten years I've been told by a million people, men and women that I AM HOT.
And everytime I hear this it feels like I'm biting into a hot slice of pepperoni pizza, while getting laid by a certain mister butler, while hearing Michael Corleon's voice in my head! Its THAT amazing. [Okay honestly that's all I could come up with, but go with me here, will you?]
But then the twenty years before that, I was that girl in school who never got asked out. So I figured it had all to do with the ugly duckling syndrome.
And then just like that, you start a Facebook profile [its nauseous how everything leads back or forth to FB] but still. So you start a facebook page, and you get all your old school friends on it, and the only thing they ever gotto say to you is , ' You still look the SAME!!!'.


THAT to me is as bad as it can get.

The corn theory and a rather dull day.

I have a TERRIBLE headache. Its isn't a hangover for a change. A project completion is due and I'm getting butterflies in my tummy. I'm sulking in bed, and I realize I don't have readers anymore. They exist until one day they don't. I suppose people have better things to do these days. I need to file my tax returns, and I have no effing clue how to do it. My accounts are in a terrible mess, and now I realize, in my old- school- girl- day style, I will have to do night outs and finish them off so that the boys who come to collect tax don't think bad of me. Ugh.
When I think of paying 'em taxes, it disgusts me, cos I can't even afford to pay my rent, then why on earth should I pay tax. But I guess that's the curse of living in a third world democratic economy. I hate being poor man. Its sucks.
All my friends are now either getting married or getting girlfriends/ boyfriends/ patching up with ex-es. I am trying to be normal, and do the regular thing of looking into marriage proposals. But it's still sorta not my thing. 
Did you know the 'corn theory'? So it goes something like this:
So one fine day, Plato goes to Socrates and asks, "Dear S. I am curious. What's love all about?".
Socrates looks at him and says, "Plato dear, I want you to walk into a field of corn. Keep walking straight ahead and don't look back. As you go I want you to pick the tallest corn you find and bring it to me, but remember, no turning back."


So off goes Plato, and he enters the corn field. He sees a tall corn right upfront, but then thinks to himself, "Hmm...There's a good chance I'll find a taller one."
By the time he reaches the end of the field poor Plato realizes he's missed out on the tallest, and out of fear he picks up a moderately tall corn and goes back to Socrates.


Socrates asks, "Was this the tallest?".
Plato replies, "No. Not really, but since you asked me to not go back, I took this one, I was at the end of my rope already." 
"Aaah my son," says Socrates. "That is Love."


The next day Plato goes back and asks S. the meaning of "marriage".


This time, once again, S asks P to go back to the corn field. Same rule as before. 
"Alright", says Plato.


But Plato decides to be careful this time. He walks in and picks up pretty much the first tall corn he sees, and brings it back to Socrates.


On seeing Plato, Socrates asks, " Was this the tallest corn in the field?". 
"No", says Plato. "It wasn't, but I was afraid I may go far ahead and miss out on the tallest corn, so I decided to take one moderately tall on at the start of my journey."


To this Socrates smiles and says,  "Son, that is marriage."


Story ends.


This theory has been stuck in my head, so am very careful to not pick up the first corn. I'm going to have to wait. It's going to be worth it. I know. 


Back to bed, with my horrible fever and runny nose. Ooooh but I got my fridge! A gift from my father, but really, I got it! Sigh. I love you Universe. I love you soo much!

At Home

The plants have been potted. The crockery shelf has been filled up with china and glassware. A 60 x 60 canvas replication of Frida Kahlo's Las Dos Fridas rests at the back of the shelf. Two Fridas holding hands, hearts bleeding. The yellow palms, stand tall and let out their green arms in all directions. The white petal anthurium is the only one that needs a bit of help. She looks a bit dried out and tired. The tiles have been mopped, and the blinds drawn up. The spring night is just at the right warmth, and the bottle of oil sits atop the tiny green side table in my balcony. 

Its been a year, since I moved in. The south west room is now all of mine. I haven't been able to fit in the teak wood writing desk into it though. And now it doesn't matter because its been shifted to my studio.

The maid now serves dinner in the china when she thinks I am expecting guests and often tells me where she's hidden the ladles and all. 

I've come to love this place more than I did a few months ago. It protects me from everything, and makes me feel safe. When I have a bad day at work, the soothing part of it is when I step onto the threshold. The house takes me into a neat gleamy space, full of love. I suspect she even talks to me, and tells me what she thinks. Nowadays she even smiles at me approvingly. The fears go away, and I after years of having the traveler's remorse, is now back at the place I can now call home. And no I ain't schizophrenic.

In which I tell you our grand new theory!

Last night, the two planets, Mars and Venus were aligned close to each other. You could see them nestled as comfortably together as is possible within the universe, bright little things, not one bit of twinkling, just astute brightness, although I suspect one was a tad bit shinier than the other. I stood by the backwaters, the breezy night soothing itself through my hair, and found this sight most calming. 

As they so rightly say ' Men are from Mars, Women from Venus.' This day was surely going to be less confusing than the rest I thought.

I can't discern much, but what took off as a pleasant night got even better, because I suppose my time with myself and the discussion I've been having with a dear friend helped me realize something with no effort. And it was this. 

'Marriage was invented by women.' Period. [ As the friend very cleverly put it, 'the best kept secret, the untold bond between every woman.] The notes preceding this, and post this also leads to the theory of how the 'slut' arose.

So here goes;

1. Years ago, and that would be from the very very beginning, Man as we all know had a hunter in him. He could give out life energy [and by that I mean his sperm], but that was that. He could hunt and kill and bring home the bacon. He could donate the life energy within him. But he couldn't literally give birth. That was the woman's job. 

2. The women, on the other hand, [considering a thousand years ago, the idea of science was still developing, medicine and technology barely heard of] bore children, quite a few in number. That was hard labour, as is now, but then again, the mortality rates of both mother and baby were high. The women took quite the beating. Their bodies had to give birth to a life form. It wasn't as comfortable as it can be now. 

3. The women, would churn out babies one after the other. Their aim was to procreate incessantly. Life was all about conceiving, carrying the child for 9 months and delivering. They could barely move about. Once the child was born, their life was dedicated to bringing the children up. It was exhausting. The women in this way were mostly indoors. 

4. Careers then weren't an option for women. The men worked, the women stayed at home. 

5. Now to the two types of men that we find. One is the real thing: he who disperses his life energy into one woman, and then takes care of her and puts in effort to bring up their offsprings with much care so that in turn they learn to sustain, and life moves forth. Their  gene pool thus preserved.

6. The other kind of man is the one who wants to disperse his seeds far and wide. He wants to inseminate as many women as he can. His sexual drive is high. But he can't be held responsible for anything further than insemination.

7. At some stage, women learnt that the former kind is the more dependent one. You need all the help you can get from your male partner in order to sustain yourself and your children. 

8. That's how it came about: the unsaid bond within sisterhood. The unsaid rules that developed between women: that 'we need the [former] man. We need to get these guys to stay with us and help us. and for that we will have to set out some rules. Just to differentiate between the two kinds. We will have to put a price on 'sex'. We will have to put a price on 'virginity'. We will need to bring in some kind of contract, an agreement, so that we can discern between the two varieties. The former kind will most definitely be more condescending to our rules, and that will help us bring forth and raise our children and help us sustain.

9. This agreement evolved to be known as what we call today marriage. 

But as the friend pointed out,

10. Marriage made sense then. When finances were being handled by the man. But now,  womankind is evolving. They are educated, they are learning to fend for themselves. And now the question arises. 'Do women who are independent really require a man to help support them?'.

Not really. 

And onto how the 'slut' evolved.

11.  Remember when women started putting a price on everything? This became a natural instinct. They needed to keep those rules to get a good guy, with good genes. [ something that goes like: I will need a car, a house, good schooling for my kids etc etc etc, and in return I will give you love and sex.] Then there started trickling in women, who didn't really want anything in return. They just didn't. And the men would move onto them. They became a threat eventually. And it was the most natural instinct in the rest of the women [who followed this sisterhood law] to condemn the other woman's actions, and begin labeling them in a negative way, simply because this woman, was devaluing them in turn by her actions. 


And that was the theory. Back to work!

Now and Then. Thoughts post watching the Iron Lady.

'The difference between now and then is that now everybody feels. Then it was all about thoughts and ideas.'

[The Iron Lady]

There used to be a time, when integrity meant the world. Honour stood before the rest. A word was a word. A promise was meant to be kept, and it was uttered only when it came from the heart and the promise wouldn't be broken. This was how the world sustained I suppose. The wholeness that came out of such noble thoughts brought out a love that much more pure. That much more sought after.

This translated into one's character, and as put so beautifully; Watch your character. It becomes your destiny.

Now, here as I sit, I've lost that world where doing things and doing them right were held by honesty, sincerety and respect.

Now, I sit in a world, where disillusionment crosses out every word. Where trust cannot be shared. Where a word is anything but that. Where all that everybody seems to want is to feel right. Never mind what anybody else thinks, nevermind what anybody else is put through. Its all about us. You and me.

Did our parents have to go through endless self help books? Did they feel the need to visit a shrink? Did they have identity issues? I guess for the most of it no they did not.

Then what's so different now? People all around seem lost. I wouldn't say I can't be excluded from them.

It's probably because of thoughts, or rather the non- existence of them,

for as the famous quote goes;

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.

Watch your words, for they become actions.

Watch your actions for they become habits.

Watch your habits, for they become your character.

Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

And as a friend recently put it,

'No matter how unpopular your opinions are, no matter how unpopular your thoughts are, you should stick by them. Because they are right. And that's all that matters in the end.'

The new office and a soon to be revamped home!

I am throwing a dinner. I rarely do this. There's going to be no couture look of course. Its going to be simple. A straight forward menu of south Indian styled dishes. There will be some good wine, although not much of a wine connoisseur I am. There's going to be music and some friends, regular chit chat, some games and cigars?


My new office looks dull, but not without energy. We are three of us, sitting on regular work tables with side drawers and cabinets. A dull and deplorable steel shelf stands in one corner. My teak wood table looks quaint enough though. But the chairs don't go with the tables. They are an assortment of sorts. We're poor still, so cannot afford anything better for now. 
Hopefully a bamboo blind and some palms later, maybe I can fluff it up a bit. The family has promised to donate a futon and a glass table. We'll make this happen, says them all.


The revamping of the home isn't going to be over the edge. Just simple adjustments, here and there, including the addition of lots and lots of plants. Most of my palms died a very lonely death. So a new batch arrives soon. And petunias and such as well. So there will be maybe 4 extra pots of palms, and a whole batch of colorful flowers for which I also need to order in a ceramic trough like at my parent's, although a friend suggested getting a flamed granite one made. 


The new fridge shall arrive soon. But of course, the lack of money isn't helping! Look at it here. It's just what I need. The price is just what I don't. Nevertheless, one must be receptive to the idea, and then the universe hears you out. 


The other day, a friend, who am terribly close to and I sat down over coffee and made a few revelations on life. After months of thought exchange, kind words, those of wisdom and coffee, I managed to find my 'meditation'. He is super proud of me he says. I smile half with gratitude and half with the knowledge that he is. I take time, I told him. And we smiled. 

Under the World!

A good rather intensely chalked out week still wouldn't let you solve the problem. There is so much to see, so much to settle in, that a week let me tell you just ain't enough.
I've been in the cold desert since Friday. I don't need air- conditioning to keep me warm. The only suede-like quilt I have does not do its job, rightfully so. The floor tiles at home can't be touched with your bare feet. Its that cold! My cat has been ousted to the balcony with net fencing. She sleeps in a rather worn out  cardboard box with some kind of thermocol look alike bed, thrown in with newspapers for comfort. She appears to like it there so much, that even when I let her into the living room, she looks about, smells the furniture and abruptly steps out, takes a whiff of the cold cold air, and snuggles back into her 'home'.
Apart from sleeping like a baby, I've been snorkeling. At this point, I feel like starting an entirely new blog just on adventures! Oman, let me tell you is a wonderful wonderful place!
The diving spots one finds here, are not only the most beautiful in the world, but also some of the rarest. I checked in myself with the Oman Diving Center, for their Diving and Snorkeling expeditions, that happen daily. We started out at 8 in the morning, when the temperature was about 23 degrees Celsius. My group consisted of two Omani instructors, a French couple and me for snorkeling, a German lady diver, a British diver and professional cyclist from Belgium, [who was here for the Tour of Oman, which you can look for HERE], who dives in his spare time. So we set out first to the Novice Bay that can be reached by boat in about 20 minutes after the Shangrila Hotel. The divers jumped in first with the tanks and fins and what not. I just watched them with awe, and a little envy. [I've been told I can't take my course cos I am flying too soon]. The boat then carried us snorkel-ers to the other side of Novice Bay. No word can describe what you see under this world. The belly of this country is beyond the most beautiful emotion.Schools of fish would just sprout out , and I suspect I saw The Emperor Angel Fish, the Sunset Wrasse, and the Blue and Yellow Grouper. Thankfully, none of the cartilaginous ones. The French woman saw a turtle and shouted out to us, but I missed it by the time I reached her side. Oman harbors all sorts of turtles and is quite famous in fact for protecting these almost endangered species. In fact apparently the kinds of turtles found here include: Green Turtle, Loggerhead Turtle, Olive Ridley Turtle, Hawksbill Turtle, and the visiting Leatherback Turtle. 
Anywee, After almost an hour and a half of exploring the Novice Bay, and being very aware of the Black sea Urchins with their thorny protein infested porcupine like spikes strewn around everywhere, we managed to get back on board and moved onto the Turtle Bay. But the sea became turbulent and we moved onto the calmer area called the 'Badar Hiran' [NOT Iran as the second instructor kept insisting!] or something. The waters were by then murky, although I suspect I saw what they call a sea horse! A few more hours later, we landed back on shore, chit chatted a bit and ended up going our separate ways. I still can't get the breathing polyps out of my head, the colors, the structuring of the reefs, and their succulent life, a life so different, so vibrant, it was almost like meditation. I guess it changes you. A bit.

This is when I know I can be quite the romantic!

"But then I thought, he stammers so beautifully, they'll leave us alone."
-Duchess of York [The King's Speech]

where you meet scarlet.

Okay. So I am trying to write something intelligent, something funny and clearly quite readable. But nothing's coming to mind so far. Having had a coupla drinks, and cooked a chicken biriyani, and having done homely affairs like chatting with my brother's in-laws and promised to do family type dinner with them, am quite exhausted at what tomorrow has in hold for me. But again, as a typical Arien, and Scarlet O ' Hara being my Arien epitome and all that:
"Tomorrow IS another day". innit?

I'll be O-kay?

Having done two trips to the jungle, in a span of a fortnight, I thought I'll feel more exuberant than ever. But my age and my actively thinking- working overtime brain hasn't let me be.
We did it all, with serene backdrops, smoking pot, walking, shooting pictures, trying to spot the wild, amazed ooh- aahs at the flora, the flowers, their various forms and colors, stone pathways and the wonderful wonderful chilly weather.
But enough of that. Back in town, I can't get myself to do an iota of work, not even to brew some coffee. I could just curl up in bed and die. An impassioned feeling of impending MASSIVE change in my life is eating into me. I can feel it. Looming nearby, waiting to hit me, a straight hard blow.

Throw away the chains
Let Love fly away
Till Love comes again
I'll be Okay

Life passes so quickly 

You gotta take the time 

Or you'll miss what really matters 

You'll miss all the signs 

I've spent my life searching 

For what was always there 

Sometimes it will be too late 

Sometimes it won't be fair 

[Courtesy: Amanda Marshall]

When there is so much you see.

It's midnight, and I lay in bed sipping tea. I've been reading 'Girl with a pearl earring', and its bringing in a gust of wind err-ing into gloominess. The same guttural feeling of sadness that doesn't fail to elude you when you read such stories. Its always the people elsewhere, like the Geisha whose story is brought to you in straight lines. No bends. It's this or that. It's black or white. There is no blending of words, there is just happiness or pain. There is depth but you must read into it, otherwise you're lost to the sounding of the words. It's when they talk of things, as though there could have been no other way. 
I had transgressed into the realms of that world long ago, and then I stopped short of falling lightly into it.
She wanted to the see The Hague. A younger me had then walked through den Hague, the cold wind infringing my body. 
A Pearl S Buck does the same thing to me. There are no colors. None. What remains is simply a deep sense of regret and sorrow. 
Maybe that's why I still have the urge to read an Indian writer. They act as pauses. For you to regain familiarity, to the world that you know, where I could pose a beautiful white frangipani to my thick black hair and smile at you, and you wouldn't know how much my hands bled just before that. Something like a Swahili love poem.

In other news, DID I mention that I have a cool mother?

Oh you guys! My step mother is super cool. Seriously. Just when I was thinking she CANNOT facebook chat, she turns around and surprises me, with not just by replying to my heyloooos but also by stating words such as good as GUD [that's a HUGE deal for me if a parent can do that!], AND mind you, using CAPS at necessary places where emoting is a necessity! 

Aaaand I can totally talk to her about anything under the sun. I talked about my wonderful Jungle trip and she emoted back ya know with the right words like "oooh ya?" [ok. not really ooh ya but something to that effect]. and she wanted to know more about the people I met there, in a very non judgemental-i-AM-your -mother- and -i need-to-know-this stuff sorta way. And then I told her I might head out up north and she goes, "to meet your new friends, is it?", and I go, "Yup", and she says, "verry good, you go have some fun [of course I know she meant that in a very asexual way, but still]. 

How how HOOOOOOW cool is THAT? 

Oh and ten points if you can guess where my roadtrip will take me ?

Clues my lil cluedos : 
Tote-zenzi-lllooots of shopping!-mindless paparazzi- leopold's-malabAR hil and tons n tons more for a girl like me!
Um. Yehes! 
And yes of course my mother did add, "The only real metro in India, you really must go."

I AM the BRIGHT and Shiny one!

Officially, I am a much happier person right now than the past two days. Reason you ask? I sulked around in bed way too long, that when I got a call from a childhood friend from school [who was visiting Kochi], I leapt out with all the ardour I could harbor, dressed up, dolled myself and went out for dinner and drinks. 
First we went to this seafood place on Wellington Island at the Casino hotel, and well, washed down the pomfret fry with some good ol' scotch. We reminisced about our school days, the trips we made and how after all the zest we carried around then, we've all pretty much landed back on familiar grounds. Divorced.
He brought along another friend of his, who drove us around, and paid the bills [I almost love free food!!], and we chatted and chatted until our heads drooped. The chatterati that we are, landed us at another quaint joint for some Indian chai before I got dropped off back home.
Anyhow, good end to a rather slow tiring day. 
Oh and the best thing though besides meeting an old friend was my GRAND new discovery of "Flipcart"!! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
I mean really. Whoever gets you whatever you want to your doorstep, without you even paying for it until it IS on your lap? That, in my opinion is uber-cool consumer strategy or some rather intelligent thing like that. So I ordered for two books. One is "You are Here", by Meenakshi Reddy Madhavan, and the other one is " The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo", which I've heard no end of, and now I am quite curious about this hullabaloo surrounding it.
I've the "Girl with a pearl earring" right in front of me as I type this, and I've realized that I do have much to catch up with in the literary world. [Again one of those things that happened to me while at the jungle].
So I'm all into reading and reading, just like before and back to getting my work and some amount of travelling coming up very soooon! Yayyy! I love it when exciting things happen. 
Oooookie.
Goodnight whoever it is that's reading me right now.


[PS: Apparently flipcart's been around for ages!! I DID NOT know that until those funny little ads started appearing on television lately. You know the ones with kids dressed as adults? Hmph].

She's all THAT!

Oh well part II can wait. 


Few ways I shall be behaving from now on, in Public and in...well, am mostly outside my home so anyway...

1. Will not imagine to be Bridget Jones and mentally make bullet points in my head while talking to others.
2. Instead of Bridget I am now a very clan-ish society lady [in my head], who looks down upon others at all times. [wink wink: TEN points if you know who am talking about ;)]
3. If I want something I will ask for it.
4. Will rehearse how to talk, walk, also walk sideways, walk in a fashion where people assume that I am indeed very supreme before heading to parties , so that above mentioned [2] is endorsed better.
5. Will always carry a clutch at fancy parties, and will stop scrambling about holding cosmopolitans in one hand and a cigarette in the other.
6. Will learn to amble while at said parties. This with a mojito in one hand should be quite acceptable I would think.
7. If at said parties, the host plays electronic music, sneer at him [ elegantly of course]. I like only jazz and such kinds of acceptable music from now on. 
8. BUT if at all the electronic music does get to my soul [like it normally did in 2011 and the ninety nine years before that], then slowly move away from the crowd, move backwards, and quickly scamper away to nearest bathroom. One can do whatever one wants when not in public.
9. Date.
10. Samarah and Chris. You guys must go. Here, to know more about S & C.
11. Coo-h-l. Wadup! Wot Rubbish. YEA Right. All such are to be dismissed from today.
12. New useful words/ phrases to be used while being esp. at parties:                    "Indeed, How humid and trepid can this weather get?" [ after which I shall hold my drink and stand petite-ly with big bambi eyes], OR                                                  " "Oh dear! YOU look dashing [for men] and simply gorgeous [for women]." [back to standing, as mentioned above]. OR " I love to sit at home and paint and write songs, while am not taking care of my neighbor's kids." [emphasis much on the kids, so that the general idea is that you're harmless, which you are but they don't know that soooo.]
13. Will not be dating men who swear OR dress badly. But now that you ask, if you are quite able to handle your drink, can drink me under the table [although now that I've switched to really being elegant etc I may not be doing that much in public], if you can come up with clever lines to say every now and then, and most importantly if you can laugh at my jokes, listen to my drunken tales, take me dancing, buy me flowers....you get the drift? I am all for being a bit of a romantic this year.
14. I will practice my dance moves before every party.
15. Imaginary husband also needs to go. [Look up *10 for more on that].
16. Will learn more about ROFL, ROFMALAO, and all such weird sounding words and include them more often in my text messages.
17. Will interject random conversations with phrases like:  belle journee n'est pa [beautiful day is it not?] while sipping tea of course [D-uh].
18. I realllllly wanted 18 points. I like the number 18. But there's only so many ways I found. 

So here's to a BRAND NEW YEAR.

[PS: OMG!! Did you realize smtg?? By public I just meant parties!!]

[PS PS: At the risk of sounding jumpy,at point 13, might I add, if you can sneak me drinks while we're out, then that's an added bonus. JUHUST mentioning ;)]